I don't know if this is drinker's remorse but I am feeling A LOT of emotions at the moment. It's making me questions the things I do - on how I realized that I'm looking for validation when it comes to love or sending a good night with an I love you is slowly becoming a routine.
But anyway, here's a not-so open confession letter to someone I cherish lately.
Dear (Redacted),
How are you? I hope you're doing okay. I hope you get to rest despite your busy schedule at your job.
I remember meeting you almost 13 years ago, when you were one of the assistants of our babies' choreographer for their cheerleading competition. I remember some people were crushing on you then. I wasn't that into you that time, I'm not gonna lie. I also remember you went to our house then, we had a picture.
We met again in 2015 during Clean Bandit's concert in BGC. I was happy to see you then and I think that was the last time I saw you in person.
Around the pandemic, I was showing signs that I love you but I feel like you're subtly rejecting me by just liking what I said. When my mom died, I think you started reciprocating it but not as much.
2023 I believe was the turning point of our friendship. That's when I realized that, like me, you're also a pageant fan. I think that was the reconnection I never knew I needed. I was having a break from pageants, having been part of a toxic group and having had a former friend who was also into pageants but had an outstanding balance to my best friend that was used for his Miss Universe ticket.
We started reconnecting and I remember clearly how we raved about Miss Universe 2007, which was your favorite edition because the winner was from your country.
From then I started saying good night and I love you to you almost every single night. I usually say it before I sleep and once I get a reply from you, I would then really start to sleep. Sometimes you wouldn't reply and it would keep me from sleeping early. It made me overthink at times, like right now. I'm starting to question whether my love for you is genuine or it's a routine.
Sometimes I would ask for us to meet, but our paths usually won't cross because of conflicting schedules. It didn't add the fact that you moved to Japan permanently. I lost hope in meeting you again.
But seeing your stories, I can't help but feel jealous that you get to see your friends but you don't get to see me. I really wished at some point that you wanted to see me, whether for a meal or party or something. I wanted to see you in person. I wanted to hug you and kiss you, with your consent of course. I wanted more from the friendship we recently formed online.
Despite that though, please know my love for you will never change. I am grateful that you're in my life. I may be friends with almost everyone, but there's a few people that I cherish deeply and you're included in it. I have a few friends that I consider my closest. Our friendship may be flirty at times, but I can assure you that is a solid and loving one.
Words cannot express how I love you so much. I want to be there for you - to listen to your problems, to cheer for your successes, be with you every step of your way. I want you to be in mine as well.
I know it's unlikely that we'll be a couple, but I know our friendship is made to last until I die.
I hope you know that. I fucking love you.
